i need a new layout again, need to change this shit. where've i been? let's see. i spent that week in luton, with khidhr (my half brother) then came back up, and spent a few days with friends in leeds, now i'm back in huddersfield. working almost every day from next week, then from the 1st of july i will be working. but who gives a fuck bout whats happening in my life? lets think more about my mind.

i've lost it, its gone. i cant find my marbles. gone. i'm broken and lost and i dont know who i want and where i want to be and what love is and all that bullshit i thought i was over years ago, it's all back, i'm just hiding it. much better at hiding it now. since i got stabbed i had to get really good at hiding how i really feel. so maybe it looks like indifference, seems like indifference, but its not. i just dont know how to explain it, don't know how to show anyone how i feel. im lost.

it was never meant to be like this. it was all supposed to be so easy. supposed to fall into your lap, the good life. who'd have thought that i might not even be here? i should be dead. thought i was. but i'm not, and its for a reason, just wish i had the guts to find what i want, take it and keep it. i have no education, no qualifications, i'm nearly 20 years old and i'm lost. if i go back to entries from 3 years ago i know myself so much better back then, i wasn't happy bt i knew who i was. now i don't dont know where i'm going, anything. used to think i could write, now i dont believe it, people tell me i can, but i dont believe it.

i wish i could give up, and stop forcing people away.

i have the wrong people close to me, while the people i love are so far away. 26 June, 2005
06 June, 2005
01 June, 2005
22 May, 2005
17 May, 2005
prev | next